"Is is and isn't isn't"

While I was waiting for my 9:30 call, I realized I needed a reason to kill someone. I couldn't pick someone at random or blindly follow orders to do so. And I wasn't sitting here anxiously either. I don't do outcomes.

Outcomes are nasty devices eating into your mind and can paralyze you. Outcomes are forecasting events that may or may not happen; having an internal dialog with someone that could be confrontational. I used to have these conversations with myself years ago, before I learned the dialog I made up was always different than the actual one.

I remember the last time I did an outcome and it was with my old boss. I'd had a rather large sale go up on me. I was meeting my customer in his office and were ready to sign the contract. Everything was done and we were having some small talk, waiting on his VP to initial the paperwork.

The VP kept us waiting for thirty minutes and I asked if we cold phone him and see when he will stop by. My customer phoned the VP's office and was told the guy had gone for the day, but left instructions to can the contract. No reason. No idea of postponement. One minute here and the next gone.

On my way to the airport, I started to have this imaginary conversation with my boss, working out various scenarios; trying to find the right way to tell him I fucked up. We were depending on this contract to meet some company goals and it had been an important water-cooler conversation in the office.

So, while in the plane, I had these imaginary conversations with my boss. If he said this, I would say that, and so forth. I spent most of the flight engaged in these dialogues, when something came to the surface. I had no earthly idea why this contract disappeared at the last minute. All had seemed to be going along quite well the past few weeks; demonstrations, plant visits, their engineers meeting with ours; no problems at all.

Killing myself by engaging in these fruitless internal conversations was just wasting time and keeping me from doing anything else. Near the end of the flight, the attendant asked if I were okay. She said I'd hardly moved the entire two hours. Briefly, I told her I just lost a large sale and she said, "Is is and isn't isn't." Just like that. Is is and isn't isn't.

I thought about those five words while landing and thanked her on the way out. Ever since then, I don't do outcomes.

The phone rang.

It was the same voice—computerized, no doubt, to protect the identity. "Do you have an answer for me?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Yesterday you asked who?"

"Yesterday that mattered. Now, it doesn't. Why matters."

"I presume your answer is 'yes'?"

"Why did you give me the three grand?"

"For your time."

"For thirty minutes?"

"For your time. What's your answer?"

"Why?"

The voice paused. "If your answer is no, then why is moot."

"Yes, but on my terms."

"Your terms?"

"I'm not going to kill anyone unless the reason is good. For instance, as much as I dislike my wife, I wouldn't want to see her hurt. The reason to kill her isn't there."

"The first person on the list has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Is this enough of a reason?"

"Wait a minute! You said 'list'; what list?"

"That comes later. Right now there is only this one person and they want to go quickly and painlessly and not wait for the cancer to take them. Will you take this contract?"

"Yes."